Missing Her
by kab16
Summary: "If she had such a screwed up idea about Jin being okay when clearly he was not, thenmaybe she had the same twisted vision of James. Because she knew what he had with Kate. And that kind of love isn't something one can easily forget." Suliet. dharma era.


_**A/N: Hello! So, there are no finale spoilers in the actual story but there are in the author's note, just a warning!**_

_**So, did anyone else freak out during the finale when Juliet came out? And during her scene with Sawyer I just started crying. I have been waiting for that for way too long and was really starting to think it would never actually happen.**_

_**Anyhow, I started this story in about September and just kept stopping and going back to and stopping and going back to every couple of months. I finally was able to sit and finish it. And it was easier to write now that I know that things end up working out for both Juliet and Jin. **_

_**Hope you enjoy! :D**_

"Juliet, you are incredible," Drew said as she started up the engine. "Seriously, I don't know what you were doing on that boat, it's clear you were born for cars."

She smiled and wiped the grease of her face. She couldn't remember the last time she'd enjoyed her work this much. The guys were great. She knew that Drew, Mark and Alex were concerned when Horace first put her here. But within days, they declared her one of them. James hated that, of course. On the rare occasion that she'd sit with them at lunch, James would glare at her from across the room the whole time.

"You are aware that the only reason they're all so nice to you is cause they wanna get you into bed, right?" He asked her a few weeks back.

"They're nice to me because they're my friends, James. I am allowed to have friends who are guys you know."

"Please Jules; no guy wants to be'just friends' with _you_."

"Not true," Miles chimed in, biting into his sandwich. "Just cause you're obsessed with her doesn't mean the rest of us are. No offense Juliet."

"Hey guys, get a load of this," Mark called.

Alex came out from under the car he was working on and Juliet and Drew walked to over to see Horace and Amy standing at the other side of the barracks. Amy laughed and Horace ran a hand through her hair.

"They'll be sleeping together before the end of the month," Alex decided.

"No way," Mark said. "You know she's still not over Paul. Three, at the very least."

"Bet you they've already done it. If I win, you guys gotta take my shift for the week," Drew said.

"Deal," Mark and Alex answered.

They all looked expectantly at Juliet. "Uh-uh. Definitely not."

"Come on, Juliet."

"I am not betting on _that."_

"Fine," Drew said, "well you friends with her right? So can you at least give us some information? What's she telling you?"

"I'm not saying a word."

"Oh come on. It's not like she kept your secrets," Alex reminded her. "Remember our last bet?"

Of _course_ she did.

She'd come to the motor pool three months ago to find a very pissed looking Alex and Drew.

"Hey. What's up? Where's Mark?" she questioned.

Drew glared at her. "Mark is at home," he said as if this was her fault. "Which means we have to do double the work. All because you couldn't wait two God damn months."

"I'm sorry?"

Now it was Alex's turn. "If you'd gotten it on a month ago, I'd be in my nice air conditioned house right now."

"What are you talking about?"

"If you don't want the whole island to know you've slept with LaFleur, don't tell Amy," Drew said simply.

_That _was hell.

Juliet glared at the three. "Exactly. I'm not putting her through that. I'm taking no part in your bets, not now, not ever." And with that she took her tools and got beneath her next car.

She worked for less than a minute before there was a knock on the car. She pulled herself out to see Amy hovering over her. "Hey," she smiled, standing up and pulling of her goggles.

"Hey. Got a second?"

"Sure." Juliet looked over at the three men watching them, rolled her eyes and pulled Amy to the other side of the van. "What's up?"

"Horace invited me to his place tonight. Would you and Jim mind tagging along?"

"Of course not."

"I'm sorry I always drag you there. It's just…Horace has really helped me out and I really like him, I do. But I'm not ready. And I'm just afraid that if I do go alone that…I just can't. Not yet."

"Amy, its fine. He understands. No one is trying to rush you into anything. James and I love going over there, don't beat yourself up over it."

"Thanks, Juliet. I don't know how I'd manage without you here."

"Don't mention it," Juliet smiled, pulling Amy into a hug.

"Oh, hey," she said pulling away. "I'm supposed to ask you, have you seen Jin around lately?"

"Jin?" She thought back over the last couple of days. Come to think of it, no. He hadn't shown up to lunch for the last two days. "No, I haven't. Why, is everything okay?"

"We're not sure. Apparently he hasn't been to work for two days and when Horace went to check on him this he didn't seem to be himself. We figured if anyone could get him to talk, it would be you."

"Yeah, I'll see what's going on. Thanks."

"Of course. I'll see you later. Six okay?"

"Perfect," Juliet smiled.

Amy left and Juliet put away her tools. When she came back around the guys were staring at her expectantly. She rolled her eyes. "No."

She left the motor pool, a chorus of complaints behind her.

"Jin? Jin, you in there?" She's been knocking on his door for at least a minute and was starting to get worried.

"Jin, please come to the door," she pleaded. She thought momentarily of kicking the door down. She was sure she could.

But before she had the chance the door banged open. Her eyes widened as she looked him over.

It looked like he hadn't changed his shirt in a while. Or washed his hair. Or done much of anything.

He had a Dharma beer in his hands, and from the smell of it this wasn't his only one. Jin hardly ever drinks, and when he does it has only been a cup of wine at dinner. It was usually Miles and James she had to worry about getting drunk, not that there was much to worry about. It took a lot to get them drunk, and the few times she had seen it they were just incredibly stupid. But the thought of a drunk Jin kind of scared her.

He didn't say anything; he just stared at her, blocking the door.

"Hey. Are you okay? You haven't been out for a while."

"I am fine." He still hadn't moved.

"Can I come in?"

He sighed and mumbled angrily in Korean, but did move out of the way.

More beer bottles were scattered around the living room. It wasn't an insane amount. She's seen James do worse. Hell, when they first found themselves trapped in the seventies _she_ had done worse. But not Jin. He always liked to have control. She always attributed it to the language barrier. He had no control over what he could say to others or what they said to him. He had crashed on an island and couldn't understand a single thing any of them were saying. It didn't surprise her that he took extra care to make sure he had control of his surroundings in every other way. So this was scary. She didn't know this Jin at all.

"So what's going on?"

"Nothing." It was clear he wasn't going to elaborate. He went to the couch and sat down without so much as looking at her.

Hesitantly, she took a seat beside him.

"Jin," she rested her hand lightly on his. "Come on. This isn't you and we both know it. Talk to me."

He looked her right in the eyes, as if trying to figure out if he could trust her. Oh my God, it's like the beginning all over again, coming to their camp for the first time. They know each other better than this. Why is he doing this too her?

But eventually his anger faded and a look of helplessness crept into his eyes. He looked at the floor as he spoke.

"We've been here for almost eight months."

"Yeah," she nodded a little confused. She wasn't quite sure where he was going with this.

"And then it was a little more than a month before…" he trailed off.

What the hell was he trying to saying?

"I'm sorry Jin; I don't think I understand-"

"It's been nine months."

Oh…oh. She got it. How had none of them remembered? To be honest the things of the past, of the future rather, had almost ceased to exist for her. She had accepted this as her present, and almost forgot that it wasn't. And the rest of the gang never brought it up. But of course Jin must have been thinking about it. And she couldn't even imagine what this must be like for him.

"Oh, Jin…I'm so sorry. I didn't…I didn't realize…" she was going on like an idiot. What the hell could she say?

"How do we know she is okay? You never…you never had a pregnant woman go off the island before. What if the effects are still the same?"

"They're not," she said firmly. "They are definitely are not. Jin, I spent three years studying this. As long as she isn't on this island, surrounded by whatever it is that is wrong here, she is absolutely okay. I can promise you that, Sun is fine."

"You can't be sure."

"I am. Jin I promise you, I have never been more sure of anything."

He nodded and when he seemed convinced, a sad smile came across his face. "I have a child," he whispered. "I want to meet her so much."

"You will," she put an arm around him. "Someday, we'll get off this island, and you'll get to go home, to your daughter and your wife." How this unknown child became a girl, she did not know. But Jin seemed to believe it, so she went along.

"I miss her so much," Jin said. And then he turned into her when he couldn't hold it back another minute. She pulled him in and was close to crying herself.

How long had this been building up for? How long had he kept it all bottled in? Was it because he thought he couldn't say anything, since they were all so careful to never mention everyone else.

They hadn't talked about Sun at all; trying to block her out, for Jin's sake. And they hadn't talked about Kate or Jack for their own sake. And she succeeded. But Jin never would. She wondered fleetingly if James would either, but quickly pushed the thought away, bringing her attention back to Jin. T hey had all just left him to deal with it on his own for the last eight months. And he needed this. He needed to let it all out.

She didn't say anything for a while. They just stayed there, wrapped in each other's arms, until Jin was ready.

When he did pull away, he avoided her eyes, too embarrassed to look at her. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. _I'm _sorry. It was insensitive; to pretend she didn't even exist. You needed to talk about her, and we should have let you. But Jin, she _does _exist. She _is_ out there, even if it's not exactly the right time. But she's somewhere. Both her and your daughter are out there, living their life. And soon we'll figure out how to get back to that life too."

"Do you really think we will find a way back there? "

"Absolutely." She said it for Jin, but the thought made her anxious. She was happy here. She had a life here. She had James here, and if she was being perfectly honest with herself, she wasn't sure she'd have him anywhere else.

"Thank you, Juliet."

"Anytime. And Jin, you can always talk to me about this, you know that right? Don't hold it in. I'll always listen."

"I know. Thank you."

"Okay," she smiled. "Come here." She pulled him in to another hug and then she helped him clean up. They could both breathe a little easier once all the beer was gone. But as they worked her mind drifted back to James.

It had been so easy for her to pretend that this was it. That right here in 1974 was all there was. That the rest of them were out of her life now, and they hardly even crossed her mind. Because she had no connection with any of them. She realized before Jack even left that there was nothing there. She meant nothing to him, and really, he meant almost nothing to her.

When she forgot about the others, she had it in her head that all four of them had.

But obviously not. I mean, how could they? Jin was married! His wife was pregnant! There is no way anyone could forget about that. And as they cleaned she wondered if she had such a screwed up idea about Jin being okay when clearly he was not, what's to say that she didn't have that same twisted vision of James?

She knew what he had with Kate. And that kind of love isn't something one could easily forget.

* * *

"I have met a lot of people I've hated," James began as he slammed the door closed behind him.

"Am I on that list?" Juliet had no emotion in her voice as she stared out the window, but he didn't seem to notice.

"You used to be. Hell, I when you tasered me and then held to gun to Kate, I didn't think I could ever hate anyone more. But that was before I met Phil. Honest to God, if someone had told me then that my options were to get tasered and captured and forced to haul around rocks for the rest of my life or have to work with that man, even just for a day, I would have been on my knees, begging you to zap me."

"Well, I'm glad to know you'd choose me over him."

She stood and headed to the kitchen, not glancing at him for even a second.

"Hey, what's a' matter with you?" he grabbed her arm. She shook it off. "Juliet."

She turned and glared at him. She knew she wasn't being fair, but she couldn't help it. Especially after he mentioned Kate.

"What the hell just happened?"

"Do you know that it's been nine months since Sun found out she was pregnant?"

He stared at her for a moment, but then his eyes widened with understanding. "Son of a bitch. That's why Jin's been so weird lately, isn't it? Shit. Is he okay?"

"I think he's doing better now," she said, her voice still giving nothing away.

"Good. Jesus, how could we have forgotten something like that? We just hadn't talked about them so long…"

"We should have," she said. "It wasn't fair to him."

James was beginning to realize that this had some deeper meaning for her, but he had no idea what. "So…is this what has you so upset."

She looked him straight in the eyes. "Do you miss her?"

"Sun?"

"Kate." The walls she had put up finally toppled and exasperation filled her voice." Do you miss _Kate_?"

His mouth opened and then closed, forming words that he couldn't get out. "Are you serious?" He finally said. "_That's _what this is about?"

"Yes, that's what this is about! She's the reason you stayed here; because you were waiting for her to come back. And we never talked about it at first because I didn't think you could deal with it. And then I never mentioned it after because _I _couldn't deal with it. But I don't want what happened to Jin to happen to you. I don't want you to hold it in until something causes you to explode. So I need to know. Should we be doing this? Are you still waiting for her?" It was barley a whisper. Anything more and she wasn't sure if she would be able to stay in control.

James sighed and slumped down into the couch. She slowly moved down beside him.

James was staring at the ceiling, silent. He shook his head and then finally said, "Of course I miss her." Juliet felt a pain shoot through her. She thought she was ready, but she wasn't.

"How could I not, after all we'd been through together?" He continued. "She was one of the only people willing to give me a chance. I thought she understood me cause she was like me. But now, I don't think she ever really did. Not the way you do. So, yes I miss her. I loved her, alright? I know you wanna hear me say they that, because you know it's true."

She was a little shocked that he knew that. That he knew that she wouldn't believe anything else and that, as much as it hurt to hear, she wouldn't trust him unless he said it.

But he didn't stop there.

"And you know what else? I think a part of you wants me to say I still love her. Because you have it in your head that I do. And because you're scared. Something's set you off, and you want a reason to escape, and you're trying to turn it on me."

She looked at him. How the _hell _did he do that? Even she didn't have that good a grasp on this scared, distant part of her. How he could see that deep into her and figure out what's really bothering her even before she fully got it...it caught her off guard. No one has _ever _been able to figure her out the way he just did.

She took a minute before deciding to be totally honest, since he'd probably just figure it out on his own anyway. "My parents got divorced when I was six. I didn't see it coming." She stared at down at her hands as she twisted them around each other. She was showing him a piece of her she'd never shared before. And it was hard as hell. "I had it in my head that they had this perfect fairytale relationship. And then they sat Rachel and me down one day, and a week later my dad was gone and we only saw him once a month. I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen. And...well, you know the type of guy I married. Clearly, I don't have a very good track record."

Sawyer opened his mouth to respond, but she didn't give him the chance.

"That's not the point. I'm not saying..." she sighed. "All I'm saying is that I kind of gave up. Decided it wasn't worth it. But then I met you. Well, I guess it wasn't really meeting you that did it, but getting to know you. We got here, and it became worth it to again. And I tried to forget about everything else because I couldn't thing about it. I just couldn't think about all of the things standing in our way. But now...seeing Jin so broken up about Sun..." she searched for the right words. "I love you, and seeing how much they love each other and how separated they are, it just made me remember all the things I tried to block out and it scares the shit out of me. I can't lose you that way. I can't."

"Hey," James said, taking her in his arms. "Come 'ere."

She hid her head in his shoulder as he rubbed her back reassuringly. "You got nothing to worry about, you hear? I'm nothing like Edmund. And what we have is nothing like your parents. And as for Jin...well, in this fucking crazy place I can't make any promises. But I can promise you that I will never leave you when the choice is mine. And even if Kate ever does come back, it won't change that a bit. I got your back, you know that."

"I know," she whispered.

He pulled her in closer. "I love you, Jules. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you managed to stick in somewhere there that you feel the same?"

She smiled and looked into his eyes. "Of course I do. Staying here with you was the best choice I ever made. I love you James."

He smiled and leaned in to kiss her. She gladly responded.

"I'm sorry," she said when they pulled apart. "I didn't mean to go all crazy on you. I just freaked out."

"That's alright. I like it when you go a little crazy. It reminds me that there's a human in there."

She pretended to look offended and slapped him playfully, but he just pulled her back into him and brought his lips back to hers. He repositioned himself on the couch and pulled her on top of him.

"James?" she said in between kisses.

"Hmm?"

"Make sure Jin goes to work tomorrow, alright?"

"MmmHmm." He tried bringing her back down.

"I just want him to make sure he's out of the house."

Mmm."

"And let him know he can talk about her, he needs that."

"Yep."

"And make sure-"

"Oh, for God's sake, stop talking about Jin, will you!"

"Sorry," she laughed, moving her lips back to his. "Oh, shit!"

He dropped his arms and exasperation filled his voice. "What?"

"We were supposed to go to Amy's for dinner."

"Well they'll just have to deal. It's about time they learn how to have a date without us anyway."

She couldn't help but laugh, even though she knew she'd feel incredibly guilty later. "You have no idea how much I love you."

He pushed a piece of golden hair behind her ear and looked into her deep, blue eyes. "No, Blondie, I think I do."

At that, she brought her lips back to his and didn't let anything else interrupt.


End file.
